anything and everything

He is SO faithful!

2011-08-14T19:08:00.000-07:00

Can we talk about how great God is for a minute???

This summer I had the goal of saving $2000 to repay tuition from my last semester of college...I thought it was pretty possible, since I have a wonderful job waitressing about 20 hours a week, give or take. Wellll within about 4 weeks of the beginning of summer, about 10 major emergency needs popped up (mostly involving my little car): new tires for the car, new brakes for the car, rotation for the car, oil change for the car, student loan that came into repayment, etc. etc. My expectations for success in saving money and practicing living on a budget began to waver more than a little. Added to that was working less hours than I had hoped, and no success in finding a second job.

Well.

God made it clear pretty quickly that I was smack-dab in the middle of a season where I had to learn to TRUST him with my finances. I have been trying my best to embrace it...it helps that my faith is being built week-by-week as I encounter extremely generous people in the restaurant, awesome sermons in church about expecting God to come through in great ways (not just financial either), and super deals on everyday things (thank you, coupons!)...

There were some days that I felt confident that I could meet my goals...it was easier to believe when I walked away from a shift with $150 in my pocket three days in a row. But the Lord was good to gently prod me, "Are you learning to trust because you're seeing the physical expression of my faithfulness? Will you feel just as confident that I am taking care of you when you walk with only $20 three days in a row?" Hmmmmmm....

It's been so good. SO good. Not only because I am SO aware of what God is teaching me, and dialoguing with Him everyday, learning, processing, seeking, understanding, not understanding, and BEING with him...these things have been so good for my spirit. But also because He IS coming through for me! I am making more than enough! Praise the Lord! Even when most of my moments are confused and frustrated and not-faith-full...He still blesses me. Wow. Thank you, Jesus.

Tuesday Morning

2011-08-02T11:44:00.000-07:00

.c.a.r.d. .m.a.k.i.n.g.

.c.o.f.f.e.e. .f.i.l.t.e.r. .f.a.i.l.i.n.g.


.p.a.n.t.r.y. .o.r.g.a.n.i.z.i.n.g. (hopefully it's obvious...top half is done, bottom half is not!)

Happy Summer Tuesday!

the last few months in photos

2011-07-19T19:47:00.000-07:00

my graduation day

capture the flag at our student life staff retreat--we won. are you surprised? :)

headed to an Oakland A's game--Matt's birthday present, a year belated!

one of two summer visits to Redding, this one for a bridal shower--bridesmaid planning committee pictured here

best friends at senior banquet

on the Deschutes River

Allen Family 4th of July Day Trip--white water rafting!

Learning!

2011-06-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

I have been informed of 2 significant things so far this summer:

1. I somehow survived college not knowing elementary-level information about the basics of necessary subjects.

2. I love learning.

The first one came about in my studying my CSET book which is in preparation for passing a multiple-subjects teacher's exam. For a long time, I have wanted a resource that just tells me what I NEED to know about what I will be expected to teach to elementary schoolers someday: Here it is!


It's marvelous. I will keep this book and refer to it forever.

The second one is becoming true as I began to consider what else I don't know about, and probably should.
Things like

                                      home ownership
                                     politics
credit cards
                  fiscal wisdom
   banking
                the stock market
investing

I mean, really? I'm 22 years old and I don't know how the stock market works. And all these other things too...stuff I would probably figure out when it became relative to me, but I'm not into "learning by trial and error"...I like to know what I'm getting into so that I can make the wisest decision and avoid mistakes as much as possible. Cuz I'm a perfectionist. :)

So I decided to get some information. This week I hung out with a high school teacher, my economics teacher actually, and she taught me all sorts of great stuff revolving around the topics listed above. I highly respect this woman because she is smart, funny, relaxed, balanced, and wise, and I respond well to her teaching style. I got my questions answered and was even inspired to do something I never thought I'd do: get into politics. Meaning, actually dig around and learn the "truth" about what's really going on in my world. I never cared before...but Rockelle's explanations about why it is so important for ALL American's to be well-informed really changed my perspective on the country and my place as a citizen. I need to make wise decisions when it comes to who I vote for and I need to be aware of international happenings...and I need to encourage more people my age to do the same. Because I don't want this country to turn into a place where our freedoms are potentially taken away...and I am in the position to say something about it, I need to say something about it.

Amazing. Who'da thunk? So I'm on this new "learning kick" as I've come to call it, because I'm really loving everything that I'm discovering! And I'm exciting to search out more "experts" and learn from them. I want to prepare myself for my future as a teacher and for my future as an American adult, even before I start my credentialing program or get married and start a family. This is a big step for Danae. I'm growing up!!

Daddy

2011-06-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

I was just perusing Facebook, and, would you believe it, EVERYONE is claiming that their dad is THE BEST dad EVER!!!

Well.

Sorry, kids, but I am the authority on who the best dad ever is.

And it's my Daddy. :)

James Allen is the best Daddy for many, many reasons. I'll list some:

1. He has more integrity than anyone I have ever met. Besides Bill Johnson, of course, but I technically haven't met Bill...only shook his hand a few times on my way out of church. But still! :) My dad is a man of integrity, which makes him extra special since integrity-filled men are hard to come by these days.

2. He's handsome! My dad is such a great looking guy! Would you believe he's in his 60s??? No way! :)

3. He has an incredible work ethic. The guy has been working most of his life at what he is called to do and he does it very well. He has set an amazing example of what life is like: yes, you have to work and you can be a blessing, and be blessed, while doing it!

4. My dad models an ultra-healthy and balanced lifestyle. He works hard, yes, but he also takes time for himself and his family. My dad goes to the gym at least 4 times a week, does strength exercises every day to keep his body feeling good so he can keep up his active lifestyle, he watches sports on TV to relax (and a little FOX News when he feels like it), does the dishes most nights of the week, and most importantly, spends quality time with the Lord every single day. He makes plans for family vacations and initiates and participates in family activities. He is plugged into the local church, is active in a marketplace ministry to reach out to those in his field, and is constantly seeking wisdom from the Lord and from amazing leaders in the Body.

5. He is constantly becoming a better husband and father. My mom and dad have pretty much always had a rocky marriage, but they stuck it out and for the past couple years have had the best relationship I've ever seen them have. It's inspirational for me to observe their growth and changes and know that they each are committed to making their lives better for each other.

6. He's prayed for me and my future every day for as long as I can remember. When I was little, I would wake up in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes when it was still dark, and see him kneeling by my bed to pray over me. I am convinced that his prayers are a significant reason behind why I follow Jesus the way I do as an adult. It's powerful.

7. He cares deeply about my life, decisions, and relationships. Dad loves to ask questions, and most of the time I don't have the answers he's looking for, but just knowing that he cares to know about my schedule, my classes, my activities, and my thoughts about church and God and faith means so much to me. He is really into making sure that I am making wise decisions, weighing all options and praying long and hard before deciding...and definitely coaching me through anything I don't have experience in. Dad is a huge fan of Matt, which is so great, and he takes time to talk with Matt one-on-one over skype, or email, or taking him out to eat when Matt comes to visit. I love Dad's input into our relationship and I know Matt does too. As for my other friendships, though Dad hasn't always been the best at remembering my friends' names, he makes a valiant effort and likes to be updated on lifestyles, marriages, new babies, and anything he can remember about my junior high and high school friends' lives.

8. Dad cares about my little girl heart. Last summer after Matt and I broke up for a time, I came home from work to find a single rose wrapped in florist paper on my bed. Remembering that sweet gesture still brings tears to my eyes. Dad cared about making sure I was okay and loving on me and praying for me through that difficult and emotional time.

9. My dad sees everything as a teaching opportunity. He makes the most of every experience whether its teaching me how to make soft-boiled eggs for breakfast, or which gasoline to buy for the lawn mower. Or how to make a bed the way his mother, a registered nurse, did, or how he was taught to make a bed when he was in the army reserve (so tight that you could bounce a quarter off it--and if the quarter didn't bounce, the inspecting officer would rip all the bedding off and you'd have to do it all over again).

10. My dad honors his own father. It's so inspirational as a child to hear your dad speak highly of his own parents. I think it somehow triggers a response in you to look for things that you can speak highly of about your own parents. My grandpa was a great man and my dad always takes an opportunity to speak to his legacy.

11. My dad appreciates me and who God made me to be. He understands my love language (words of affirmation) and speaks to it whenever he can. He takes notice of the work I do around the house or the food I make for the family and verbally honors me for it. He sees me as the woman I'm trying so hard to be and speaks into that destiny.

12. My dad loves the Lord with everything in him and does all that he can to live in a way pleasing to God.

See? My dad is the best. :) I love him sooo much, and wish him the BEST Father's Day ever!

"Fellowship" of Believers?

2011-06-17T09:20:00.001-07:00

EPIPHANY!!!

One of my nearest and dearest, a powerful woman of God who goes by the name of Sarah, delivered an incredible message at her home church last Sunday--I was present for support and simply because she was only in town for a few days and I wanted to be around as much as possible. That girl brought the Word!! The church is beginning a series on Identity in Christ, and her sermon served as the first of the series. Sarah shared powerful truth about WHO WE ARE, as laid out in Scripture and revealed by the Holy Spirit...a super great reminder for one who easily forgets who I am and served to inspire me to go searching for all the great scriptures she referenced.

One thing Sarah said that opened my eyes and will forever alter how I live was this (slightly paraphrased):

If you have the courage to believe all of these truths about yourself, claim them, and live your life out of them, get it through your head that these principles are ALSO true about the person sitting in front of you, next to you, behind you. How would the church be transformed if we believed and treated our fellow brothers and sisters surrounding us at church as though they were ALSO, loved, accepted, treasured, powerful, gifted, anointed, led, and WORTHY??

Come on!!! What a good word! I was so convicted as she spoke that; not only for how I treat my church family, but ANYONE I come into contact with. If I believed that my co-workers who party and swear and "offend" me numerous times a day are LOVED by God, that they have a purpose and a destiny though they may not realize it...instead of judging them and being frustrated by them. This truth is quickly taking hold of my heart and making its way into all of my being--I want to live that way! I want to see how people would respond, and how I would be changed to simply alter the way I think about others and allow the Lord to minister through my words, thoughts, and actions.

Further revelation came this morning as I was reading the book of Acts. I have this fatty Bible, the New Spirit Filled Life Bible, which I generally only use when I really have time to plunge into the Word. It is so fatty because it includes major reference notes and interesting articles. "Word Wealth" is a little article about the meaning of specific words and phrases from their original Greek, Hebrew, or whatever original language it was written in, including synonyms and other explanations which are so helpful to me for gleaning the most out of my reading. The other major consistent article is "Kingdom Dynamics" which explain concepts and principles which can bring major revelation and insight into something you thought you had a handle on. Here are the Word Wealth and Kingdom Dynamics articles that came with Acts 2:42 ("And they continued steadfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread and in prayers."):

fellowship, koinonia (koy-nohn-ee-ah); Strong's #2842: Sharing, unity, close association, partnership, participation, a society, a communion, a fellowship, contributory help, the brotherhood. Koinonia is a unity brought about by the Holy Spirit. In koinonia the individual shares in common an intimate bond of fellowship with the rest of the Christian society. Koinonia cements the believers to the Lord Jesus and to each other.

Fellowship (koinonia), POWER OF UNITY. This first detailed description of the early Christians is wonderfully revealing. The followers of Jesus, who had been baptized by the Holy Spirit, literally devoted themselves to communication and unity with God and with each other. In relationship to God, they "continued steadfastly" in the apostles doctrine (the Word of God) and in prayer. In relationship to one another, they devoted themselves to fellowship and to breaking bread with one another. As the Word Wealth article on this passage states, the word koinonia literally denotes a deep sense of spiritual unity--of spiritual communion with the Lord and with each other. With the coming of the baptism of the Holy Spirit, the priorities of the followers of Christ focused upon spiritual unity with their Lord and with their brothers and sisters in Christ--within the church--the spiritual body of Christ. Every true Christian is a member of the body of Christ and is related to Christ and to other believers as a member of that body. This is the essence of true spiritual unity--the unity of the Spirit.

This unity that I have entered into by being apart of God's family is a unity created by the Holy Spirit. I didn't choose the brothers and sisters that I'm supernaturally connected to, but whether I like it or not, we're all in this together! And I feel like this is where I have the most issue, if I can just be real and vulnerable on this very public blog...
I get really annoyed by my family! Christians, more often than my unbelieving co-workers, annoy me! They frustrate me, they offend me, they bring out the worst of my judgmental tendencies! I know why, too. It's because I know that they know better. They are aware of the standard that's on their life, and they are deliberately choosing another path, or another set of words to use, or another set of behaviors, instead of righteousness, justice, passion, set-apartness, doing all they can to live as followers of Jesus SHOULD.

See it?

There's my judgmental side. Grrrrrr.

I am saddened by my lifestyle of judgment towards my FAMILY--the family that I am apart of through the saving grace of Jesus. I pray that my heart can change completely and with it, my thoughts, words, and actions, that I can see this incredible spiritual bond as something to be preserved and cherished...it is obviously supernatural and something that I can't live without because God designed it that way. I want so badly to see a transformation in myself where I can unconditionally love my brothers and sisters in Christ, especially when they hurt and offend me. I can only imagine what a change like that will do for my relationships and encounters with those that surround me.

2011-06-12T15:27:00.000-07:00

I need to always remember the last season of my life, because, just like the children of Israel, I forgot all too easily how good the Lord is and how His faithfulness to me has never failed. Remembering gives my faint little heart courage to continue believing and having big faith.

Right around my birthday this year, in February, I began to have strange pains and ailments in my body: fever, exhaustion, trouble drawing deep breaths, and weakness. The devil knows that he can get my spirit fastest if anything goes wrong in my body, so anxiety and fearful thoughts were multiplied during my sickness. I couldn't sleep at night, I would have nightmares and horrible debilitating panic attacks, I felt unable to function, and all of this in the last semester of my senior year in college! What timing! After 3 weeks, I sought prayer at my church, and it helped some but not entirely. As time went on and there was no improvement, some days worse than others, I tried to discern whether my sickness was spiritual or physical. I even went to the doctor after a month and a half because it just wouldn't go away!

I wrestled so much with the spiritual side of it--trying to convince my body that there was nothing wrong, that there was nothing to be afraid of, that I was more than a conqueror...worshiping, reading Scripture and prayer were the only things that helped lessen the discomfort and fear of what was going on. I spent so many nights reading the Psalms over and over to myself because I couldn't sleep and constantly felt like fear was choking me. Trying to stay up on studying and going to class and working my job as a Resident Director was significantly harder than it should have been. I wanted to enjoy my last semester, and the enemy was certainly succeeding at stealing my joy!

Finally after 2 months of horrible trials seemingly beyond my control, a major turning point came when I prayed with my dear friend Kelley. She led me through a SOZO type prayer where I confessed sin and unforgiveness and then asked the Lord with a pure heart what was going on? I heard Him say: "It's done." And truly, it was. The Lord told me what He thinks and believes about me: that He is fighting for me, that He is on my side, that I am worth His attention and affection.

I still don't know what was going on in my body for those two months. But I know, as a result, I developed a deeper walk with the Lord and came to know Him and hear Him better and more intimately than I ever have before. My identity has realigned so that somehow, my way of thinking has shifted into a tough, offensive position against the enemy's attacks, instead of a weak and defensive one. I can hardly believe it when I recognize different thinking patterns: that I have stopped jumping to fearful conclusions when someone presents an exciting idea to me, that I catch the enemy's little pricks of fear almost immediately and look him and say: "I will no longer bow down to fear!" I am shocked and love my new responses of hope and joy and looking forward to better things in my future! It is so wonderful being on this side and I never want to forget the journey is took to get here.

Restoration by His faithfulness

2010-12-27T21:27:00.001-08:00

The Lord has been good to me.

He saw me in heartache, pain, confusion, depths of despair, and met me there...then He gently tugged me by the hand and pulled me out of it all. After a while, He set a lovely path before me and told me to walk on it if I wanted to. I did want to. Healing came with learning to trust again and the great experiential knowledge that I never walk alone. And now, I am in the most fruitful season of my life thus far, and can only look next to me at my precious Jesus, smile, and thankfully say, "I'm so happy you were right all along!"

Falling In Love With Jesus

2010-08-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

What a journey He has me on.

A few days ago, Jesus spoke some of the most beautiful and romantic words to me that I have ever heard before. I considered putting them here on my blog, and maybe will someday, but I think for right now, they are meant for me and my broken heart alone. The past month or so, I have been struggling with understanding how a human's words can have the capacity to mean such deep and fulfilling things one day, but mean nothing a few months later. How can anything that anyone says be trusted? How can marriage vows mean ANYTHING, because humans are flawed, and every day it seems like more and more people I know are choosing to render those vows that they spoke years ago, meaningless. I don't have an answer for this question, but I do have peace. In the words that Jesus spoke to me, He amazingly addressed the same areas that I was feeling empty in. Where human's words had filled me before and now have left me empty, HIS words brought complete fulfillment.
Jesus cannot lie.
Jesus cannot leave me alone.
Jesus cannot stop loving me.
Jesus WILL speak truth to me.
Jesus is ALWAYS with me.
Jesus LOVES me.

and Jesus will ALWAYS be here to listen to me speak to Him, to hear me sing to Him, to hold my tears, and heal my broken heart.

And He is wooing me back into a lover's relationship with Him.

It's one of the most beautiful, romantic, and fulfilling journeys I've ever been on.

Into His Presence...

2010-07-18T17:03:00.000-07:00

I'm holding my pain in my hand. My anger, my hurt, my dreams, my plans for the future. I walk in through the gates, through the courtyard, through the palace halls. I come to the doors of the throne room, seeing their size, their craftsmanship, their strength. The doors open for me, and I step across the threshold. I see the light ahead, coming from the throne. He is waiting for me. I step towards him, crying in agony, for the weight of what I carry is overwhelming. He calls my name, with great gentleness and peace in his tone. His love for me and my presence is enough to make me stumble to my knees. I can see him jump off His throne and run to me, meeting me halfway, he falls on the ground beside me and wraps his arms around me, rocking my gently as I sob, holding my head to his chest. He speaks words of comfort to me. After awhile, my Lover, my King, helps me up and together we go to the throne where God the Father sits in His majesty. The Holy Spirit is there, hovering, and waiting for a word to move. God the Father smiles tenderly at me, with compassion and depth of understanding in His gaze. He sees how deeply the wounds go. He sees the motives and the cares of my heart. He sees how I have saved myself, my emotions, my love, for so many years. He seeing that I am now aching with the loss of what I have invested in.

He understands.

I desire so much to give my burdens to Him. I don't want to deal with them anymore. I don't want them to hold me back anymore. I don't want to be ashamed of my reactions and my efforts. I want to live graciously, with unconditional love and understanding.

I hold out my junk, it's so heavy and has been weighing me down all week. It has consumed my thoughts, my prayers, and my dreams. I want to get rid of it. I want to be free from this. I want to fully trust God, my Father, to do whatever He wants with it.

I kneel before the throne and lay my burden at his feet. Fear, pride, uncertainty, jealously, anger, misunderstanding, impatience, frustration, hurt, turmoil, unkindness, bitterness, judgment, pain, crushed hopes, plans, and dreams, shame, and gossip. I shake off any residue that may be left and I sit back.

He speaks to me, "You have done well, Daughter, my beloved. You have guarded yourself and loved well. You have trusted me through this and I am well pleased with your obedience. I am worthy of your trust. I worthy of your love. I am worthy to fill that place in you. You have found your completion in Me, and now you seek more. I take this burden from you, my love, and in it's place I give you my joy! Your smile is an encouragement, and is my light to the world's darkness. your pain has kept your smile from your lips, but now I restore deep joy to you. Trust me. I am faithful. I am holding your sweet life in my hands. I see the number of your days and I know what happens in all of them. My peace is for you today. My peace is for you tomorrow, and the next day, and forever. Trust that I am doing good things. I hold those who are close to you in my hand, and I am fully capable of turning their heart to you again. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Do not doubt. Take hold of my joy and sing out! Find your voice and praise me in this storm! Storm's never last forever, and I can calm it with one word. Daughter, love me. Trust me. Trust my spirit in you. Continue to be faithful to what I have for you today, right now. Forgive. Choose forgiveness. Let bitterness, jealousy, and confusion go. And forgive."

July 12, 2010

Imagery and Awe

2010-06-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

I have never been good at picking up deeper meanings, especially when it comes to pulling them out of literature. I haven't figured out yet if this gift for "seeing" things is something natural for some, and acquired by others, or if I'm hopeless and will forever have to be thankful for others in my life who offer their deep thoughts on deep subjects. My high school English teacher, Mrs. Susan Buck, quite possibly the most intelligent woman I have had the honor of meeting, is one who I endlessly admire for her ease in getting the nitty-gritty, fabulous underlying themes in ANYTHING. I learn something from her every single time I am around her. Well, I do tend to pat myself on the back a little every time I recognize myself "getting" imagery on my own, and though this example that will follow is probably grasped by everyone over the age of six who reads The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis, I wanted to share it here because it is so beautiful.

In the book, and if you have read it already, you will know what I am referring to (if not, PLEASE go read it, it's such a wonderful story! and the movie is coming out in a few months, so now is a good time to pick it up), Eustace has been transformed into a dragon because of a decision he made. He is miserable as a dragon, and has spent days being this way. No body knows what to do to help him and change him back, except One. Eustace comes across the Lion (he doesn't know that it's Aslan, or even Who Aslan is), and the Lion leads him to a well on the island. Eustace has pain in one of his legs, and talks about how much he desires to bathe it...

"The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain in my leg. But the lion told me I must undress first.
...I was just going to say that I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that's what the lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place.

And Eustace continues to scratch deeper until a layer of his skin comes off. He thinks he is done, but after seeing his reflection in the well, realizes that there is another layer yet to come off... and another...

And I thought to myself, oh dear, how many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg.
...Then the lion said "You will have to let me undress you." I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now.
The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off.
...Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off--just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt--and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been...then he caught hold of me...and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything, but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I had been turned into a boy again.

...After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me...in new clothes.

How beautiful a picture that is, of how the Lord Jesus saves us and redeems us! I understand that analogy of this truth almost better than any other I've heard. I can try and try to take my scales, anger, judgment, pride, ideals, fear, SIN, off myself...but the work will never be completed, because it was never meant for ME to complete. Jesus HAS to be the one to undress me. He alone knows the depth of my yuckiness, the depth of my failings, and He alone can take ALL of them off me.
Not only this truth alone, but another stood out to me: I was reminded that I didn't start out as a "dragon", and it was never God's intention for me to start out as a dragon. Because of sin I become a dragon, but who I REALLY am, a daughter of God, a saint, destined for greatness and life in eternity. And He knows that.

I had my #32 wisdom tooth extracted yesterday. It had been bothering me nonstop for about a week, and thankfully I was able to get a last minute appointment to have it taken out. The surgery was fine, a little painful, but, unfortunately, I passed out immediately following it's completion. Yes, I'm a wuss. :) They kept me in the office for about twenty minutes after, even put me on oxygen. And because of this, coupled with waiting for my parents to come pick me up--I wasn't quite feeling up to driving, as you might imagine--, and delaying in getting the pain meds, the local anesthesia began to wear off before I could take any preventative measures. I can't even express the excruciating pain that began surging through my whole head, and especially the right side of my jaw. Like a bomb had been planted in my skull and went off a dozen times in a row. I was in hysterics, crying and moaning, and BEGGING God to intervene on my behalf...and then, in the midst of this turmoil beyond anything I have ever experienced, it hit me. Jesus, my Jesus, my Savior, Love, and Life, experienced THIS pain, AND MORE. And I began to cry harder as, in the midst of that craziness, I met the Lord, and realized experiencially that HE CHOSE to go through the pain I was experiencing, and more and more and more and more...for ME. Wow. And after that, my cries weren't really so much for myself, but because I was struck with the magnitude of how much Jesus loves me. And I'm still reeling from this thought, and trying to remain in this place of AWE for my God, for my Jesus, and thanking Him for seeing me, not as the "Dragon" that I appear to be, but the beautiful little girl underneath, who will someday grow into a beautiful woman whose face is radiant and unashamed, single-heartedly serving her King who sacrificed SO much for her to have life.

It's Just Life

2010-06-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

This summer has been wonderful for me, though hard, stretching, and challenging. A crazy, wonderful trip to Disneyland with Matt and his family marked the end of my junior year of college and the beginning of the 2010 summer holiday. Work at the restaurant started immediately after, my longtime favorite manager choosing to leave and manage another restaurant two weeks after I was back. The transition with the new GM has, thankfully, been smooth and better than I was anticipating. Relaxing into family life and figuring out how to share the car with my brother and deal with my sister's constant trips up north, while gleaning wisdom from my experienced parents has been fun and tough at the same time. I went through a few weeks of, what I think now, was a "figuring out" of how to be a girlfriend long-distance but enjoy the independence that is such a huge part of who I am...it took a long time and brought out lots of messy things in both Matt and I. I think we almost broke up. But thankfully, we are on the other end of weeks of fights, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings, and are both better and happier for it. Just this weekend, I was able to take a trip south to attend Jamie and Josh Jones' wedding, and spend quality time with my god-family as well. Great conversations and laughter were highlights, and I came away with a motivation, provided by 'brother' Jared, to read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy for the first time this summer. Yeah! My awesome Mommy came with me, and we spent the hours in the car listening to a book on CD, a pastime that frequented my homeschooled childhood. Even though this trip was enjoyable, I am ready to not drive a long distance again for a long time. Yuck. So, now I am searching for the LOTR trilogy online on Amazon, and listening to the Food Network discuss blueberry-ricotta pancakes...mmm. :)

I'm alllll caught up on scrapbooking! I was a year and a half behind (hundreds of pictures highlighting events from college and summer festivities) one month ago, but through hours of listening to sermons from Solid Rock and the Stirring and a few online clips of Toy Story 1 on YouTube (I think we gave our VHS copies to Heath and Emie), I am PROUD of my accomplishments in my lovely scrapbook. Next time you come over, I'll show you. :)

I was able to hug, laugh with, and talk to one of my best friends, Audrey, last week. I hadn't seen her since her wedding last March, since she lives oh-so-far from me. She was visiting because her older brother got married himself yesterday, and during his bachelor party, which her husband was invited too, she happened to drop by my house! We spent a few hours reminiscing about high school, looking at yearbooks and talking about how much everything has changed. I love Audrey. She and I share many of the same values and theology, and her experience has really helped me in my own relationship. I'm so thankful that she's in my life.

The Lord is so good to me. I was reminded this morning of His care for insignificant little me while reading Matthew 6, specifically the passage on not worrying.

"³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

"Failings"

2010-06-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been reminded of my fallen human nature. I prayed yesterday that the Lord would humble me, because I hate the pride that is such a part of me. Well, He's doing it. I know that it's the Lord bringing this to my mind because the thoughts that are coming are ones that, even though are depressing if I really think about them, also hold so much hope when I think about who I will be once my issues are finally dealt with.

I got into a huge fight with a parent yesterday, the effects of which have spilled into today. The incident in question could easily have been resolved if I had chosen to submit right away and not fight back. I see again what a stubborn person I am, and how hard it is for me to admit when I'm wrong. Today, in an attempt to resolve it, I see not that fixing it was a possibility if I had just....submitted. Instead, I fought it. And crying on my bed immediately after brought the realization that I DO NOT LIKE SUBMITTING one little bit!!! I truly physically felt the hatred of submission to my very core. And then God spoke to me, as He does so many times, saying that my rebellion towards my parent is sin. And I don't enjoy sinning. So I have to get over this not-liking-to-submit thing. Because I will have to submit to my husband someday. And if I respond like an immature seven-year-old whenever I'm faced with the reality of submitting to his authority someday...well, I don't want to think about the result of that. And my whole day wouldn't be ruined because submitting brings things to a close much faster than rebellion does. AND....it's pleasing to God.

"His grace is sufficient for me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness."

For everything there is a season...

2009-08-19T15:35:00.000-07:00

"...a time to mourn, and a time to laugh."

My New Season is one of LAUGHTER.

says Jesus.

:)

"Am I Still Trying to Please Men?"

2009-07-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was reading Galatians over breakfast. The Bible that I use is one that I've had since jr. high, and is therefore written in, underlined, and highlighted...a lot. Which is good. I usually do not get very far reading anywhere without my eyes being drawn to a passage that is emphasized because it at one point carried a significant amount of weight in my spirit. Yesterday was no different. Chapter 1, verse 10: "Am I now trying to win the approval of men (or women), or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." **sidenote** Just so the theology students reading this are set at ease, yes, I did read and consider this verse in it's context. I just have to go to work this morning and don't have a ton of time to chunk the entire passage out here in this space. Just so we're clear :) *** I didn't even read any further. I wanted to chew on that scripture all day (it's underlined, highlighted, AND there's a box drawn around it in my Bible...hmm).
This morning, I was praying and worshipping and listening to Jesus. I was writing what He was speaking to me as I usually do, and He expertly began to draw my attention back to this topic...am I still trying to please man? Even now, I'm pausing as I type this for minutes at a time, as more and more applications for this question come into my mind. The first one, this morning, that I felt specifically led to pray about, was my RA position this coming year at school. I am a rule follower. I always have been. But in my rule-follow-ings, I have a tendency to worry about how I am being perceived by others. In this particular case, the thing that is on my mind is how I am going to enforce Simpson's rules on my floor, and in my dorm. I can imagine myself handing out written warnings for all of the right reasons, but I can also see myself not doing it and compromising what my position requires of me in order to please the girls on my floor...hmm. As I was telling this to Jesus, he prompted me to not only pray about how to apply this scripture THEN...but NOW...and what does that look like? Am I trying to please man at work? By keeping my mouth shut when my co-workers are gossiping about our managers or other team members because I'm afraid of what their reactions will be? By compromising my own integrity and values when inappropriate things are being spoken of in my presence, and I laugh along, and say nothing? What about when I'm hanging out with people? Am I still trying to please man by not bringing the conversation around to fruitful, beneficial things and instead agreeing to speak of nonsense?

I already have God's approval. We all do, as believers in Christ. I already please Him. But I want my efforts, out of love for Him, and praise to His name, to show in every area of my life. So why do I have a tendency to seek man's approval, man's affection, man's praise, man's pleasure?

I don't have any answers right now. I think God wants me to wrestle with it for a while.

This is Where the Lord has Me

2009-05-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

God has called me back into a set-apart life.

After going about three weeks with little-to-no anxiety attacks, I was surprised when, Saturday, seemingly out of nowhere I started to feel anxious over nothing. I always know that it's the enemy when this happens...the out-of-nowhere-ness. For the first time, the battle didn't lift within a few hours as I prayed, worshipped, and fought against it the best I know how. Finally after spending much time in the Word, the heaviness broke and the Lord began to speak to my mind and heart. "Come back to living in complete and total purity." Specifically, He was speaking to my recent habit of watching lots and lots of movies that are much less than holy and uplifting.

When I was in Jr. High and High School, the Lord called me for the first time to this, living a Set-Apart life, where I chose out of devotion to the Lord to not watch movies, read things, or paticipate in activities that were not pleasing to Him. I was looked down on, made fun of, and discouraged by most of my peers for chosing this lifestyle, but at the time I was confident enough in my walk where I just didn't care, and knew that I was pleasing the Lord--which is really all that matters. Once I hit college and a new place in my life where I was insecure, immature, and naive in almost everything, I conformed and compromised all of these standards in my life and soon started to become desensitized to it all--something I had previously said I never wanted to happen.

The Lord showed me that the reason that I was feeling attacked was because He was bringing me to a place where I had the option of choosing to change my way of living, and the enemy was doing what he does best to keep me from responding to the Lord. Well, I can feel a burning in my Spirit to come back to a place of "untarnishedness" before God. I want to speak, behave, and live as though He were right by my side every moment...He really is anyway. I want to be able to stand before Him with no feelings of remorse or guilt over what I just watched on TV or heard on the radio, or saw on my computer. I also desire a new season in my walk...I want to reach new places with the Lord, go where He hasn't taken me before, and this requires more devotion, more closeness, and more purity of heart, mind, and spirit in order to attain.

Therefore, I, again, choose to separate myself, when I have the option to, from the media which so easily influences my heart, mind, and spirit. I desire to devote myself completely unto the Lord so that I can more clearly discern what His plan and will is for me in this season of my life. I am confident that He will bless me for my obedience to His voice.

This is where the Lord has me, and I am excited for what I know is coming next.

My God Draws Closer...

2009-05-20T09:54:00.001-07:00

The past month has been very interesting for me. I'm learning how to live out certain areas of my life for the first time; the process has been exciting, fun, challenging, and at times, just weird. In all of the chaos that was inhabiting my heart, my emotions, my thoughts...I was unable to hear my God's voice very clearly. This, I have found, happens every once in a while when I cease to offer the Lord the "firsts" of my life. When I cease to pause and listen for what he wants to speak to me in any given moment. When I cease to actively seek Him and His pleasures for me. ...But...what happens when I...just "cease"?

Good things happen! Once I discovered my missing of the Lord's voice in my crowded spirit, I told Him that I couldn't live like this for another day, that I needed Him every moment. And He blessed me with Sunday. Sunday I visited a friend's church where she was preaching and the drive is about 45 minutes to a few towns over. It's my favorite drive by far in this area...gorgeous countryside, breathtaking valleys and hills, on a clear day, it's hard to stay focused on driving. And wow, was Sunday a clear day. On this drive on Sunday, I felt the Lord drawing closer to me. I felt His pleasure for the desires of my heart as I delighted in His creation, the work of His hands. He reminded me, softly and gently, that there is nothing that I can do that will take me away from Him; He will love me still. But that morning made me realize for the umpteenth time, that I don't want to even flinch away from what will only bring Him the MOST pleasure, the MOST pride in His daughter, the MOST joy. I'm finding it's a good place to be, and my days since have been more motivated, more restful, more blessed.

Thank you, Jesus.

In Words I Feel Are Better Than Mine...

2009-05-02T01:06:00.000-07:00

My heart is just so full...I need to get SOMETHING out...thanks Nichole for making this easier on me. :)

Take Me As I Am

Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break
For some steady feet, or sturdy ground
A road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run
For a thousand tongues to sing

To wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
For the patience and perspective of a man like Job
Just to soar on wings of eagles
For no other reason than the bird's eye view
For a flight or two
And the list gets longer
Who I wish I was, and was no longer

I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only One that can
Take me as I am

Oh, to feel hope in hopeless times
Never mind the silver lining 'cause the clouds are fine
To breathe prayers that move the heavens
Or save hundreds from the flames
To know my place, to know my name
But the gap grows wider
Between who I am and all I aspire to be

At the end of myself, at the end of the day
I can find little else but the courage to say I need You
That's all...I need You

- Nichole Nordeman -

Musings.

2009-04-03T00:26:00.001-07:00

Lack of sleep. It DRAINS me. Unfortunately I barely slept during Spring Break because of the pillow-top mattress that my parents bought for me. Their intentions were lovely, but I seriously can't sleep on that bed anymore. Too soft. Isn't that sad? Anyway. For some reason I haven't been sleeping well back at school either. I'm praying that will change soon.

God has been doing a good thing in me. I have discovered once again my love of scripture. WOW. I was fighting an anxiety attack on the drive back to school on Sunday, and had my Bible at the ready. The Lord showed me BEAUTIFUL passages in the Psalms. I would quote them right now but the room is dark and my roommate is sleeping. :( Later. Anyway. Sweet reminders of peace, His faithfulness, His GOODNESS, His...God-ness. Oh-so-good. Then I jump over to Hebrews and was flipping around in Philippians and Ephesians...

In junior high, I was obsessed with Paul's letters. I have always been one for improving myself, and though I have understood deeper measures of grace in more recent years, back then I was hardcore bent on changing all bad things about me. I devoured the letters because they include so many rules for holy living. Reading over them again on Sunday reminded me of those days, years ago...and brought me into a new place of ...awe...for how far God has brought me. And THEN just thinking about how far he has brought me this year alone!! WHAT!!

We serve...a great God. A huge God. A powerful God. A sovereign God. A good God.

I love love love Hillsong's latest CD, This Is Our God. I had a conversation about it with Dad over break, when I was watching the companion DVD...POWERFUL. Dad prefers their other albums, and knowing this, I voiced my opinion, which is that I thought that this was one of their best and God has used it in incredibly significant ways for me this past year. And I figured out why I love it so much, and it corresponds to what I was talking about earlier. My Dad loves Hillsong's lyrics...creative, mastery, depth...they have some awesomely gifted song writers down there. ...I love this album because it's mostly SCRIPTURE. Right outta the Bible. And I'm not bashing on men's creativity, at all! I'm just saying...the Lord has brought me to this great place of appreciating the WORD...HIS words...right from His lips, meant for my ears, my soul, my heart. The awesome music going along with the words is just a bonus. And a good one. So. There you go. :)

Contentment in THIS.

2009-02-26T11:53:00.000-08:00

Thoughts.

God is bringing me to new levels of contentment. For the first time in my entire life...I told Jesus the other night that if I never get married, I will be perfectly fine. And I still feel this way, two days later.
In Bible Study we are reading a book called Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets them Free...and one of the lies was about how woman believe that having a successful career and working is more fulfilling than being a wife and a mother. That's not a lie that I was having trouble with, but it began to stir my spirit, especially when I read the author's quotation of a scripture in Corinthians where Paul talks about single women, and the benefits to being single...they are able to have "undivided devotion to the Lord". COME ON!! What other time in my life am I going to be able to live in such freedom--where I only have to focus on showing Jesus how much I love Him?? This revelation is transforming my mind. Obviously, I expect that in the future I will have those feelings of desiring to be in relationship with a man...but right now I am going to rest and enjoy this contentment that the Lord has blessed me with. I am so happy. And thankful. Because it's Spring at Simpson. People are STILL hooking up right and left. My reaction could be depression, anxiety, worry, and jealousy...but God is not letting me go there and is bringing me so much joy instead.

:)

What I've learned this week from Camus, Lorelai...and Jesus.

2009-02-18T16:11:00.000-08:00

This blog has been on my heart for like two weeks but welllll life just didn't allow me to get it typed out until now. Or, more likely, I wasn't supposed to type it until now. :)

Albert Camus (he's French, the name is pronounced Cam-oo...) wrote a little story called The Stranger, and I read it for my World Lit class a few weeks ago. I absolutely hated it. As a whole. But these words, I loved unexpectedly. The man in the story is sitting on his balcony during a lazy evening.

The sky changed again. Above the rooftops the sky had taken on a reddish glow, and with evening coming on the streets came to life. People were straggling back from their walks...Children were either crying or lagging behind. Almost all at once the moviegoers spilled out of the neighborhood theaters into the street. The young men among them were gesturing more excitedly that usual and I thought they must have seen an adventure film. The ones who had gone to the movies in town came back a little later. They looked more serious. They were still laughing, but only now and then, and they seemed tired and dreamy. But they hung around anyway, walking up and down the sidewalk across the street. ...Then the street lamps came on all of a sudden and made the first stars appearing in the night sky grow dim. I felt my eyes getting tired from watching the street filled with so many people and lights. The street lamps were making the pavement glisten, and the light from the streetcars would glint off someone's shiny hair, or off a smile or a silver bracelet. Soon afterwards, with the streetcars running less often and the sky already blue above the trees and the lamps, the neighborhood emptied out, almost imperceptible...

So it's not an incredibly deep passage, but when I read it for the first time, I remember being captured by the imagery its words held. I love that the character in the story had the TIME to sit and observe...life...around him, in his world. I love that the people he was watching had the TIME to walk up and down the sidewalk, "hanging around anyway". The week that I read this book, I had NO TIME at all, for anything except homework and studying. Actually I had two weeks straight like that. So as I read this part of the story, everything in my spirit and soul was crying out for moments like that. To sit and put words to the beauty that surrounds me every moment of every day, especially at a place like Simpson where God is moving in his people minute by minute and mountains and trees and rain and grass are screaming of his creativity. But...I do have time. And when I recognize that I do have time, I hope I can more readily learn to make the most of it.

Phew.

I love Lorelai Gilmore. I wish I could be like her...well, I wish I had her wit, specifically. One thing about Lorelai that is absolutely loveable and desirable, is her appreciation for living to the fullest and doing things that she loves to do or wants to do instead of just talking about them. Her motives may not always be the best, and yes, perhaps she is a frivolous spender and an unhealthy eater...but I think that I err too much on the opposite end of the spectrum which is why the way she is so desirable to me. Make sense? For example. She feels like watching old movies and eating junk food with Rory. So she goes out and rents like ten old movies and buys out the entire junk food aisle at Doosey's, even though the two of them can't possibly watch all of the movies or consume all of the junk food by themselves...but she does it anyway. And they enjoy it. Maybe it's a shallow way of living...but I am entirely too serious when it comes to the way I spend my time. I feel like maybe going the whole nine yards when I "feel like it" even though I know I "probably shouldn't" would be a beneficial experience for me. Ummhmm.

Jesus. Love Him. He keeps reminding me in not-so-subtle ways that there is NOTHING I can DO that makes Him proud of me. He doesn't see me as a fallen human, he doesn't see any sin in me...he only sees the thing that Jesus sanctified. Me. Beautiful. Whole. Pure. Righteous. Holy.
WHAT?

It's so hard to LET GO...and believe those simple truths. I have been praising God so much lately for allowing in me a new spirit of sensitivity and recognition of the lies of the devil that I so quickly believe. Sometimes it's FEELS easier to the believe the lie...it's hard to combat it with the truth on days when I'm tired and worn out. But...there is FREEDOM in the truth. Living FREE is SO SO SO SO SO much better. SO much better. I still can't wrap my head around those paradigms; I don't think I ever will, and I kind of don't want to. :)

Thank you, Jesus, for your Truth. For your promise and gift of Freedom.

What Word Can Describe...

2009-02-09T09:48:00.000-08:00

4 years of...?

Heartache?
Brokenness?
Naivete?
Ignorance?
Stupidity?
Frustration?
Cowardice?
Patience...Hope...Surrender...

I'm ready to be FREE.

Holding On

2009-02-01T14:37:00.000-08:00

I'm in a "funk".
I have been for a few days now, and only Jesus knows the reason why. Yes, there are many things I am thinking about, pondering and seeking wisdom for and so, I cannot pinpoint one or two things that are really setting me off. I am constantly fighting off depression and fatigue, finding it hard to smile, forcing laughs because I know it's expected in the moment.

I have been playing worship music loudly in my room all day trying to get this spirit of ickiness off of me, but nothing seems to be working. Where is my joy that I felt so passionately for my Lord and my life just last week? What do I need to do to get back to that place where I can be a source of encouragement instead of a drag to those around me? Where is my awe for my God who has been so faithful to me for so long, never letting me fall to the ground, always sustaining me, my constant source of strength?

I keep playing this song, "Sing to the Lord". Hillsong sings it, the lyrics are:

Righteous Ruler of the heavens
Holy, holy, our God
Sovereign Lord of all creation
Holy, holy, our God

Every tribe and tongue
Lift your voice as one
He is greatly to be praised

Sing to the Lord, oh my soul
Let the heavens shout for joy
Great is our God
Great is our God

Nations come and bow before Him
Holy, holy, our God
Angels sing now and forever
Holy, holy, our God

Every tribe and tongue
Lift your voice as one
He is greatly to be praised

Sing to the Lord, oh my soul
Let the heavens shout for joy
Great is our God
Great is our God

The heavens shall declare
The glory of our great God

Jesus King, let us adore Him
Holy, holy, our God

Great is our God
Great is our God

When all in my thought life and spirit is shaken, I really can only hold on to knowing that my Jesus is not surprised by this weirdness or my lack of motivation. Someday all will be right again. Someday I'll see Him. Someday I'll receive the fullness of joy that will never get away from me.

He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.

Where You Go, I Go...

2009-01-30T16:11:00.000-08:00

Where You go, I go
What You say, I say, God
What You pray, I pray
What You pray, I pray

Jesus only did, what He saw You do
He would only say, what He heard You speak
He would only move, when He felt You lead
Following Your heart, following Your spirit

How could I expect to walk without You?
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without You
For You alone are worthy, and You are always good