For everything there is a season...

"...a time to mourn, and a time to laugh."

My New Season is one of LAUGHTER.

says Jesus.

:)

"Am I Still Trying to Please Men?"

Yesterday I was reading Galatians over breakfast. The Bible that I use is one that I've had since jr. high, and is therefore written in, underlined, and highlighted...a lot. Which is good. I usually do not get very far reading anywhere without my eyes being drawn to a passage that is emphasized because it at one point carried a significant amount of weight in my spirit. Yesterday was no different. Chapter 1, verse 10: "Am I now trying to win the approval of men (or women), or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." **sidenote** Just so the theology students reading this are set at ease, yes, I did read and consider this verse in it's context. I just have to go to work this morning and don't have a ton of time to chunk the entire passage out here in this space. Just so we're clear :) *** I didn't even read any further. I wanted to chew on that scripture all day (it's underlined, highlighted, AND there's a box drawn around it in my Bible...hmm).
This morning, I was praying and worshipping and listening to Jesus. I was writing what He was speaking to me as I usually do, and He expertly began to draw my attention back to this topic...am I still trying to please man? Even now, I'm pausing as I type this for minutes at a time, as more and more applications for this question come into my mind. The first one, this morning, that I felt specifically led to pray about, was my RA position this coming year at school. I am a rule follower. I always have been. But in my rule-follow-ings, I have a tendency to worry about how I am being perceived by others. In this particular case, the thing that is on my mind is how I am going to enforce Simpson's rules on my floor, and in my dorm. I can imagine myself handing out written warnings for all of the right reasons, but I can also see myself not doing it and compromising what my position requires of me in order to please the girls on my floor...hmm. As I was telling this to Jesus, he prompted me to not only pray about how to apply this scripture THEN...but NOW...and what does that look like? Am I trying to please man at work? By keeping my mouth shut when my co-workers are gossiping about our managers or other team members because I'm afraid of what their reactions will be? By compromising my own integrity and values when inappropriate things are being spoken of in my presence, and I laugh along, and say nothing? What about when I'm hanging out with people? Am I still trying to please man by not bringing the conversation around to fruitful, beneficial things and instead agreeing to speak of nonsense?

I already have God's approval. We all do, as believers in Christ. I already please Him. But I want my efforts, out of love for Him, and praise to His name, to show in every area of my life. So why do I have a tendency to seek man's approval, man's affection, man's praise, man's pleasure?

I don't have any answers right now. I think God wants me to wrestle with it for a while.

This is Where the Lord has Me

God has called me back into a set-apart life.

After going about three weeks with little-to-no anxiety attacks, I was surprised when, Saturday, seemingly out of nowhere I started to feel anxious over nothing. I always know that it's the enemy when this happens...the out-of-nowhere-ness. For the first time, the battle didn't lift within a few hours as I prayed, worshipped, and fought against it the best I know how. Finally after spending much time in the Word, the heaviness broke and the Lord began to speak to my mind and heart. "Come back to living in complete and total purity." Specifically, He was speaking to my recent habit of watching lots and lots of movies that are much less than holy and uplifting.

When I was in Jr. High and High School, the Lord called me for the first time to this, living a Set-Apart life, where I chose out of devotion to the Lord to not watch movies, read things, or paticipate in activities that were not pleasing to Him. I was looked down on, made fun of, and discouraged by most of my peers for chosing this lifestyle, but at the time I was confident enough in my walk where I just didn't care, and knew that I was pleasing the Lord--which is really all that matters. Once I hit college and a new place in my life where I was insecure, immature, and naive in almost everything, I conformed and compromised all of these standards in my life and soon started to become desensitized to it all--something I had previously said I never wanted to happen.

The Lord showed me that the reason that I was feeling attacked was because He was bringing me to a place where I had the option of choosing to change my way of living, and the enemy was doing what he does best to keep me from responding to the Lord. Well, I can feel a burning in my Spirit to come back to a place of "untarnishedness" before God. I want to speak, behave, and live as though He were right by my side every moment...He really is anyway. I want to be able to stand before Him with no feelings of remorse or guilt over what I just watched on TV or heard on the radio, or saw on my computer. I also desire a new season in my walk...I want to reach new places with the Lord, go where He hasn't taken me before, and this requires more devotion, more closeness, and more purity of heart, mind, and spirit in order to attain.

Therefore, I, again, choose to separate myself, when I have the option to, from the media which so easily influences my heart, mind, and spirit. I desire to devote myself completely unto the Lord so that I can more clearly discern what His plan and will is for me in this season of my life. I am confident that He will bless me for my obedience to His voice.

This is where the Lord has me, and I am excited for what I know is coming next.

My God Draws Closer...

The past month has been very interesting for me. I'm learning how to live out certain areas of my life for the first time; the process has been exciting, fun, challenging, and at times, just weird. In all of the chaos that was inhabiting my heart, my emotions, my thoughts...I was unable to hear my God's voice very clearly. This, I have found, happens every once in a while when I cease to offer the Lord the "firsts" of my life. When I cease to pause and listen for what he wants to speak to me in any given moment. When I cease to actively seek Him and His pleasures for me. ...But...what happens when I...just "cease"?

Good things happen! Once I discovered my missing of the Lord's voice in my crowded spirit, I told Him that I couldn't live like this for another day, that I needed Him every moment. And He blessed me with Sunday. Sunday I visited a friend's church where she was preaching and the drive is about 45 minutes to a few towns over. It's my favorite drive by far in this area...gorgeous countryside, breathtaking valleys and hills, on a clear day, it's hard to stay focused on driving. And wow, was Sunday a clear day. On this drive on Sunday, I felt the Lord drawing closer to me. I felt His pleasure for the desires of my heart as I delighted in His creation, the work of His hands. He reminded me, softly and gently, that there is nothing that I can do that will take me away from Him; He will love me still. But that morning made me realize for the umpteenth time, that I don't want to even flinch away from what will only bring Him the MOST pleasure, the MOST pride in His daughter, the MOST joy. I'm finding it's a good place to be, and my days since have been more motivated, more restful, more blessed.

Thank you, Jesus.

In Words I Feel Are Better Than Mine...

My heart is just so full...I need to get SOMETHING out...thanks Nichole for making this easier on me. :)

Take Me As I Am

Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break
For some steady feet, or sturdy ground
A road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run
For a thousand tongues to sing

To wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
For the patience and perspective of a man like Job
Just to soar on wings of eagles
For no other reason than the bird's eye view
For a flight or two
And the list gets longer
Who I wish I was, and was no longer

I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only One that can
Take me as I am

Oh, to feel hope in hopeless times
Never mind the silver lining 'cause the clouds are fine
To breathe prayers that move the heavens
Or save hundreds from the flames
To know my place, to know my name
But the gap grows wider
Between who I am and all I aspire to be

At the end of myself, at the end of the day
I can find little else but the courage to say I need You
That's all...I need You


- Nichole Nordeman -

Musings.

Lack of sleep. It DRAINS me. Unfortunately I barely slept during Spring Break because of the pillow-top mattress that my parents bought for me. Their intentions were lovely, but I seriously can't sleep on that bed anymore. Too soft. Isn't that sad? Anyway. For some reason I haven't been sleeping well back at school either. I'm praying that will change soon.

God has been doing a good thing in me. I have discovered once again my love of scripture. WOW. I was fighting an anxiety attack on the drive back to school on Sunday, and had my Bible at the ready. The Lord showed me BEAUTIFUL passages in the Psalms. I would quote them right now but the room is dark and my roommate is sleeping. :( Later. Anyway. Sweet reminders of peace, His faithfulness, His GOODNESS, His...God-ness. Oh-so-good. Then I jump over to Hebrews and was flipping around in Philippians and Ephesians...

In junior high, I was obsessed with Paul's letters. I have always been one for improving myself, and though I have understood deeper measures of grace in more recent years, back then I was hardcore bent on changing all bad things about me. I devoured the letters because they include so many rules for holy living. Reading over them again on Sunday reminded me of those days, years ago...and brought me into a new place of ...awe...for how far God has brought me. And THEN just thinking about how far he has brought me this year alone!! WHAT!!

We serve...a great God. A huge God. A powerful God. A sovereign God. A good God.

I love love love Hillsong's latest CD, This Is Our God. I had a conversation about it with Dad over break, when I was watching the companion DVD...POWERFUL. Dad prefers their other albums, and knowing this, I voiced my opinion, which is that I thought that this was one of their best and God has used it in incredibly significant ways for me this past year. And I figured out why I love it so much, and it corresponds to what I was talking about earlier. My Dad loves Hillsong's lyrics...creative, mastery, depth...they have some awesomely gifted song writers down there. ...I love this album because it's mostly SCRIPTURE. Right outta the Bible. And I'm not bashing on men's creativity, at all! I'm just saying...the Lord has brought me to this great place of appreciating the WORD...HIS words...right from His lips, meant for my ears, my soul, my heart. The awesome music going along with the words is just a bonus. And a good one. So. There you go. :)

Contentment in THIS.

Thoughts.

God is bringing me to new levels of contentment. For the first time in my entire life...I told Jesus the other night that if I never get married, I will be perfectly fine. And I still feel this way, two days later.
In Bible Study we are reading a book called Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets them Free...and one of the lies was about how woman believe that having a successful career and working is more fulfilling than being a wife and a mother. That's not a lie that I was having trouble with, but it began to stir my spirit, especially when I read the author's quotation of a scripture in Corinthians where Paul talks about single women, and the benefits to being single...they are able to have "undivided devotion to the Lord". COME ON!! What other time in my life am I going to be able to live in such freedom--where I only have to focus on showing Jesus how much I love Him?? This revelation is transforming my mind. Obviously, I expect that in the future I will have those feelings of desiring to be in relationship with a man...but right now I am going to rest and enjoy this contentment that the Lord has blessed me with. I am so happy. And thankful. Because it's Spring at Simpson. People are STILL hooking up right and left. My reaction could be depression, anxiety, worry, and jealousy...but God is not letting me go there and is bringing me so much joy instead.

:)